I don’t want to be mean during this, or have all of my friends hate me, but I have some things to point out. I made my decision to give Kyle up for adoption not because I didn’t want him anymore, not because I was “throwing him away”, but because in approx. 5 days, I have to leave where I’m staying at and have no where to go, and I was not dragging him out on the streets with me. He deserves so much better than that. And I don’t appreciate all the negative criticism that I’ve been getting. My mom, my friends. No one understands he’s in a so much better place now. He has a loving married mommy and daddy, which the daddy owns his own business. 2 story house in Venice, and he gets 3 new little sisters that kiss him every day before they leave for school. Which, speaking of school, I never have to worry about him going to college, it will be paid for. There’s always someone around to play and love him. No one understands this is the right thing to do. I know he’s in the greatest care possible. My KJ only deserves the best and that’s what he’s getting. No one but me understands all this, but that’s ok. This is my life, and I have it under control. As for myself, I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 days, because I’ve been given the short end of the stick in life, but I have the comfort of knowing I’m not bringing my son down with me like my mother brought me down with her.
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In other news… I’m suffering from a spider bite, most likely Brown Recluse. I hate spiders. Nasty, ugly creatures that serve little purpose. I feel like going on a spider killing rampage, really. It started out as nothing but a pimple on my elbow on Monday, and then it grew to a small scab on Thursday. I woke up Friday afternoon and my right arm is numb and the would is now a hole about the size of a dime. I went to the emergency room, and the stupid blonde ditz took one look at it, told me it was a staff infection, and sent me home with antibiotics. I woke up this morning (Sat) for work and the hole is now as deep and wide as a penny. So I go all through the work day, and my arm around the wound is turning bright red, and it’s getting severly swollen around the bandage. So after I got off work at 2, I headed home, and then when I showed Mike’s dad my arm, he suggested I go to the ER again, and the thought was already in the back of my mind. So he dropped me off around 4:50PM, I wasn’t seen until 5:50PM, and I wasn’t brought back into a room until 6:50PM. And from there I sat and waited even longer. The doctor came in and I took my bandages off, and he said it deffinately had characteristics of a spider bite. He said they would have to give me a very strong shot of antibiotic and then I would have to come back tomorrow and get another one, and them check up on how it was doing. They also took 4 tubes of blood tonight, as apposed to 5 last night, and hooked me up to an IV, which they put a dose of steroids, the same antibiotic from last night, Benydryl, and Pepcid. And I got pretty loopy after the Benydryl, so I fell asleep. I called Nathan durring this time though, and I sounded completely drunk. Too bad he didn’t record it. Any how, as of now it’s not swollen too bad, just tender and sore, and it doesn’t hurt, and I haven’t had any pain meds, so I’m doing good.
March 2009
3 posts
She wants to know…
Who has the Voodoo doll and why are they torturing me?
I went to work as usual, I actually wasn’t supposed to be working today, but I was covering a shift for another co-worker. Besides lack of sleep (due to recent anxiety issues, going to bed at 6:30AM and having to wake up at 7:50AM) everything was ok. I wasn’t really that tired either, so I was in good shape, besides the every day problems and bothers. (And the fact a spider bit me on my elbow and I can barely move my right arm…) I get to work as normal, and start the everyday stuff I do. I get a call around 11:30AM from the woman adopting Kyle, and she’s asking me all the information she needs (birth certificate, full names, etc.) And it really gets to me from then on. I literally want to bust into tears the rest of the day, and it was then my coworker, as well as my Asst. Manager and Manager start to ask if I’m ok. Of course I’m ok… Why wouldn’t I be ok? Oh yeah! Maybe it’s because I am letting go of the only thing that’s kept me alive for a year and 1/2. Don’t I look ok? Or do my fake smiles no longer work for you? I suppose it was to happen sooner or later that I no longer look sincere and happy. Ah well all things must come to an end. I have so many mixed feelings on what to do. I am really afraid once I do this, the “What If’s” are going to haunt me for life. I just really hope I am doing the right thing. I really don’t know now what I’m going to do with my life. It’s always been about Kyle. Working, to provide for Kyle. Getting up everyday for Kyle. Only now… There is no Kyle, so why ever wake up again? I surely don’t have the money to go back to school, I couldn’t even take care of my son. The plan to move to Texas is becoming clearer, yet blurry at the same time. I see alot of pros and cons, and alot of bad stuff that could happen, but also alot of good that could come out of all this. (Yes, I did say good, being the pessimist I am…) But without Kyle… I could care less what happens to me. I only kept myself going because he depended on me, he was MY responsibility. I can see it now…. I’m going to move to TX and die… Sit in my dark studio apartment and die. =/ I have no reason to care anymore. *Shrugs* I simply hate the feeling that maybe I’m not trying hard enough, maybe I haven’t thought of something. If there was simply another way, because I don’t want to let go of my son. He is my pride and joy, my KJ. My son, and my one and only. He’s my everything, now until the day I die. I have so many mixed feelings… All I know is that I’ve already choosen, I’ve already done this. The new family has had him for about 4 days now. They are in love with him. It just kills me that I wanted to see him grow up. (I knew sooner or later I would start crying durring this blog.) =’(
Fin.
The papers are slowly being drawn up, lawyers hired, plans being made. My KJ has been with the new family for 4 days now. I am now beginning to miss everything I’ve had for the last year and 1/2. In order to push forward I have to keep telling myself this is the best thing for him, he’s going to have so many more opportunities that I couldn’t give him. He gets full cooked breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, he’s always played with and always entertained. He always has someone to pay attention to him. They take him on picnics, and already am buying him clothes and nice things. I’ll never have to worry about him going to college or getting a good education. Everyday before their 3 little girls go to school they all kiss him goodbye. The mother already has a doctor or specialist set up to help Kyle with his screaming issues. I’m pretty confident he will have a really good life with them. I just have to find some way to get through this. I know my heart is breaking on the inside, but I want him to have everything my mother could never give me. A stable home, and a mom and dad to love, even if that mommy isn’t me. All I can say is, I tried. And now me forced to be homeless and have no one elses couch to sleep on, (metephorically speaking), I am forced to do this. I want him to have the best. He was my angel a year ago when I planned to kill myself, and now that I am still alive, I have to convince myself I can live, I can survive. He just helped me when I was at my worst. He will forever be my angel. I know I will be hurting like hell on the inside for a long time, but I know this is for the best.
Fin.
